It’s 06:32 am, I’ve just finished my morning devotion with my prayer group and presently sat on my sofa reflecting on years past, trying to pen together the perfect Christmas blog.
For many including myself, Christmas can be an extremely lonely time and I don’t just mean in the “being alone” sense.
More recently I realised that every Christmas I put on my invisible “I’m fine” mask, lying to the world and myself as I opted to spend Christmas alone. I told myself I enjoyed being alone, and part of me did. There was no one to fight over the TV with, no one tucking into my favorite snacks, no one telling me what to do. Christmas on my own was the best thing ever until I realised I was actually on my own, at which point traces of self-pity would settle in for the day as I lay on the sofa flicking from one TV channels to the next, searching for something to numb my mind and the pain of my loneliness.
This year the journey of writing my second book flagged up may things, mainly my fear of embracing Christmas which stemmed from joyous childhood memories. Chrismas had always been an amazing time until mummy died. Her death changed everything and until I was ready to accept her death I would keep on running, but run as I did, I would never be able to outrun Christmas.
Time To Stop Running
A few weeks ago I met with my counselor for what should have been my last session. I had finished writing my book and we had addressed all the things my journey into my past had flagged up which meant our sessions were over. She was surprised when I informed her I wasn’t ready to call it a day, that I still needed her to help me work through what I now realise has been the root of many issues, in particular, my inability to enjoy Chrismas.
My journey in pursuit of intimacy with Christ, the writing of my book, listening to God’s voice and being honest with myself all brought me to this one place – until I accept the death of my mother I will continue to be stuck. I will continue to give endlessly of myself to help alleviate the pain of others at the cost of neglecting and remaining in my own.
It has been 32 years since I joyously celebrated Christmas and its time to stop running. Last night as I sat wrapping gifts for my nieces and nephews in preparation to spend the day with them, for the first time in a long time I allowed myself to feel and embrace the joy of Christmas and as I did so realised that the time to accept mummy’s death was on my doorstep.
It is something I am going to have to face, something I am nervous about, but something I have to do. I have been running from facing the pain, saying goodbye and letting go. Even as I write the tears are flowing because I don’t want to say goodbye, I’m not ready to say goodbye, but unless I let go, I will continue to remain stuck.
Christmas is about Jesus, God’s precious gift to us. His gift of love and life. Recently God has been speaking to me about the true meaning of Christmas, why it is a joyous occasion and why I need to embrace it. Just like my crossover from depression to life, documented in my book, God’s Romantic Getaway, I made a point of listening to Him and the healing process has begun.
Living With Your Loss
Are you are stuck in the pain of your past? Is the fear of letting go of a loved one preventing you from moving forward? Are you ready to be honest with yourself? Unless your answer to these questions is yes, life will continue to dictate how you should feel and react, instead of you being in control of your emotions and the way you react. It will continue to rob you of the joy of making new memories and growing in stature and strength as you embrace and overcome your fears. Our fears hold us back, keep us imprisoned, even in the most innocent of places.
If you are ready to take that step, the counselors and team from living loss will be happy to assist you on your journey from denial to acceptance.
The Perfect Christmas Gift
I never saw this coming. I was all set to work this Christmas as I normally do, but God had other plans. Having completed all my charity work yesterday with plenty of time to rest and reflect, today reminds me of Christmas when mummy was alive. I won’t lie, it’s a little difficult but I am ready. This is the first step and I realise I owe it to myself and others to rake this step and accept God’s gift of love and healing in this area of my life.
I haven’t felt this happy about Christmas in years. I haven’t felt this alive in years. My decision to blot Christmas out of my life left part of me physically, spiritually and emotionally dead, but not anymore. Today marks the start of a new journey and painful as it may be, I am looking forward to it.
So all that is left to say is Have a wonderful Christmas with loved ones and friends, and to those who are hurting, because I know there are many, May God’s peace bring comfort to your hearts at this difficult time.
God bless you
